"I've seen a lot of sh** I shouldn't have, but never forgot it though..." -Logic

I've mentioned some of my childhood on here (a few scarce details)... and some of that includes some tough things that I went through. BUT I want to let everyone know that no matter what happened, I love my dad. I decided to interview him so that others can understand some of his background. Where he came from & why he made some of the choices that he did. 

These are all direct responses from my dad: 

1.       How old were you when you first got involved on the streets?

-“8 years old I think. Maybe earlier, I was the youngest of the boys. LA was a crazy place to be on your own. Take a wrong turn and your whole day can turn into a sh** show." 

2.       When were you first exposed to drugs & violence?

-Violence: “when I was eight I saw some Hells Angels beat a Satan Slave to sh**.  Once when I was a teenager though about seven of us went to jump fifteen guys who were messing with one of our dudes… we won. The first bad one I actually didn't witness. When I was seventeen or eighteen my buddy got stabbed—to this day I hate that I couldn't be there for him."

-Drugs: “the first time I got stoned I was probably ten & speed… maybe eleven. I was around it a lot from the time I was eight.”

-“Actually, I think what first made me get involved in violence was when I was in third grade. I was dyslexic & ADHD & back then (the ‘60’s) those didn't exist. Teacher’s would say I wasn't trying & kids would call me a retard or mental. One day when we were out on the play yard for a fire drill I was the line leader and this kid tried making me trade him places. He said ‘you're a retard anyway, just move’ and my older brother heard and told me to kick his a** so I did. And then from that moment it was how I expressed my frustration… it wasn't good.”

3.       What was the hardest part about growing up without your dad around?”

-“Mom was working—all the time. We had to fend for ourselves a lot. She did what she could, but there wasn't someone around to tell me no. Nine kids is too many for one person to look after alone. We were just running, gunning, and having fun.”

4.       What was your home life like?

-“Nonexistent—I was there to sleep & eat. Especially as a teenager.”

5.       Who were your idols when you were young?

-“My dad… even though he wasn't always around, he went back to school & became a lawyer. I admired him for that.”

-“Mom’s boyfriend, Stan. He was a self-made guy. Military man, go-getter, amazing job. I looked up to him.”

-“Jimi Hendrix. His music was an escape—best guitarist in the history of music.”

-“General Patton, Einstein, and Rockefeller (the original). They were all dyslexic too. A teacher introduced me to them in 8^th grade to motivate me to keep going. They are why I kept going to school...”

6.       How many times have you been arrested?

-“As a kid, like six or seven times I think. I got picked up more than that, but not actually arrested. And six times as an adult.”

7.       What was your biggest fear growing up?

-“Failure. I was so afraid of failing. One day in 12^th grade I was sitting there like, sh** I graduate soon & I can't even read or write. I was about to have to fend for myself and I didn't know how to do anything. I didn't really learn how to write until I was in prison when you were eleven or twelve—I used to have to use a dictionary to write you (referring to me) letters. Like I knew what words I wanted to use, but I had no idea how they were spelled. Those letters took me hours.”

8.       How old were you when you first got involved in the gang?

-“Twelve I think. Maybe thirteen. The gang was my family. We always had each other’s backs. But I wish I would have had someone at home telling me to stay away. It was toxic—I just didn't see that. I witnessed more violence before I was eighteen than most people ever will. And now I hate it. I hate fighting. And I don't trust anyone anymore.”

"Music is a safe kind of high." -Jimi Hendrix

I mention my love for hiphop music a lot, here are a few of my favorites. Not in any particular order & definitely only a few of them. Yes, I love the beats, but these are about more than that. It's about the beats, the story, the life behind them. 

All songs are linked to YouTube: 

Infinite- Eminem 

It's OK- Eminem

Monsters In My Head- The Game

Growing Pains- Logic

Inception- Logic

5AM- Logic

Just A Man- Logic

One Mic- Nas 

Right To The Top- Big L 
In Her Music Box- Atmosphere

Gangster Rap Kings- J Cole

Crooked Smile- J Cole

Keep Ya Head Up- 2Pac

Man On The Moon- Kid Cudi

The Light- Common
Can I live- Jay-Z 
Moment of Clarity- Jay-Z
Check The Rhime- A Tribe Called Quest
Jesus Walks- Kanye
My Way Home- Kanye & Common

Things Done Changed- Biggie Smalls 

Hiphop is about more than just feeling good... it's about opening up and being real. It's one of the most vulnerable genres out there, in my opinion, which is exactly why I respect these people so much. 

I am a dreamer.

NOT a post about the woes of school that people often write. Please read it through until the end.

Graduation is in 113 days. I know that this is a fairly normal accomplishment for people my age (22), but I am the first in my family to go to college. For those of you who had parents that knew how to help you with your FAFSA, scholarships, classes, etc. feel lucky. I have basically stumbled my way through school.

I remember being so afraid my first semester at the community college. I was shy, everything intimidated me, and holy hell was it expensive (to me anyway). Not only did I survive my first day, but I realized that it really wasn't much different than high school. In fact, it was better than high school because people weren't so damn judgmental. I went to school in a small town (Twin Falls, ID) so when anything even slightly crazy happened everyone knew about it. In fact, it was quite literally always on the news. So, when my dad got arrested the first time, I lost about half of my “friends”. BUT, when the same thing happened in college nothing changed. I mean, my personal life changed and it was definitely a struggle, but at school—nothing changed. That’s when I decided that I was going to love college.

So, during my second semester I interviewed onto the student senate and worked with the sustainability council. Quite honestly, I didn't even know what the sustainability council was but I knew that being involved meant money and money meant staying in school. So during this time, my dad gets arrested again. Only this time, he was living with my boyfriend & his dad so I needed to take care of his stuff and move it into storage. My parents are divorced, so whenever these things arose I was the acting power of attorney for my dad. Between trying to balance work, school, student senate, and all of the legal stuff my relationship crumbled. My boyfriend at the time decided to find himself another girlfriend when my life was too hectic to handle, so we broke up. It crushed me. He was my high-school sweetheart, but it only pushed me to focus even more of my attention toward school.

Student senator then became student body secretary and I got more and more involved in the community and added on a second major. At the tail end of my sophomore year of college a good friend encouraged me to run for student body president. My whole life I heard people telling me what “kids like me” did in their lives and it sure as hell wasn't student body president. So, I did it. The other two candidates were equally as qualified, but I was more driven. I didn't sleep until I knew that I won the election.

That year I made more major connections than ever before. I spoke to the state legislature, met with the state governor, organized numerous community service events, and attended a national leadership conference in Miami. I finished off the year on the presidents list, graduated with AA’s in political science and business, spoke at the graduation ceremony, and was accepted into the Boise State marketing program.

Since moving to Boise I have started a local chapter of a nonprofit organization that I support called I Am That Girl and managed to balance my job and classes. I am proud to say that I did not take out any loans my first three years of school, but sadly, I have had to do so during my time at BSU. So now, I am trying to figure out my future, which includes paying off those couple of loans ASAP.

I am a dreamer. Everyone always tells me that my ideas are crazy, but if I don’t do it, someone else will! I am originally from LA and I loooovvveee the city. I dream of working in music, entertainment, or fashion. BUT, I live in Idaho right now, so I will definitely have to move if I want to do any of those things. So what’s the best way to make these things happen? That’s you guys. It’s all about who you know, right? So, if any of you have any suggestions or connections please let me know. Oh, and if anybody wants to score me a marketing job working in the music or entertainment industries—I’d love you forever. 

The Fault In Our Stars

Reading is my favorite. And I am lucky enough that one of my favorite hobbies is often encouraged. People are always coming up with new studies & articles about why reading is so good for you and I love it! I've heard everything from 'reading can chill you out' to 'it might prevent Alzheimer's disease &keep your brain sharp'.

Those aren't necessarily my reasons for reading, but they sure do sound good. I like reading because I love learning. Sometimes the lessons come in unconventional ways, but I can generally say that I learned at least one thing in every single book that I have read. I also love reading because I am a writer. I love analyzing the technique that authors use and identifying patterns and writing styles throughout their books. Reading motivates me to not only write more but to write better. And heck, sometimes I just like to get lost in a book.

I read a lot when I travel. There is nothing I enjoy more than reading, writing, & people watching at the airport! This last week I traveled to Coeur d'Alene in northern Idaho (the most beautiful town) and I brought The Fault In Our Stars by John Green along with me.

The Fault In Our Stars is a book about a teenage girl, Hazel, who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and grudgingly attends a cancer support group to please her parents. However while there, she meets a charming boy, Augustus Waters. Augustus has osteosarcoma, but has recently been in the clear. Hazel and Augustus experience a whirlwind of emotions including love, romance, sadness, and friendship throughout their adventure together. John Green did an amazing job writing a very realistic novel that will both humor and humble you. 

My Interpretation of Creativity.

Recently, I decided to share my draft of what I hope to be a book in the near future with a select few people. I was instantly nervous and started to second guess whether or not any of it was even worth reading. Exposing a world that I created inside of my head is one of the scariest things I have ever done. A friend (thank you Ali!) reassured me that the critics didn't matter and she recommended that I watch a video by Brené Brown. Well, I did, thus this blog post.

Creativity is defined as the ability to make new things or think of new ideas. This implies that everyone has the ability to be a creative being. However, this concept often gets misconstrued because when we hear the word “creative” we are trained to think of painters, sculptures, writers, etc.

If we all have the ability to create, why do we often feel like only those who are more dominant on the right hemisphere of their brain have the ability to be labeled as creative? I am very “right-brained” so to speak, and I for one could never create something so magnificent that it could single handedly advance our technology or save human lives. But, I am often told just how creative I am. Yes, I am creative in the stereotypical ways—I enjoy writing, drawing, designing, and I drink too much coffee; however, some of the most creative people throughout history do not necessarily fit this stereotype.

Steve Jobs literally created a technology revolution— that is creative. My mother is a cosmetologist and she has to create new looks on her clients every single day—that is creative. Alexis Jones and the rest of the I Am That Girl team had a vision as to how they could successfully empower women through a multitude of mediums in a way that had never been done before— that is beyond creative.

People often keep their ideas, opinions, or creations to themselves when they do not fall onto the artistic side of definition. Maybe this is because sharing your imagination with others can be frightening. Brené Brown, an author and vulnerability researcher, gave a talk titled Why Your Critics Aren’t The Ones Who Count that covered this exact concept. During the talk she made a statement that really hit home, she said, “there is nothing more vulnerable than creativity".  There is nothing more frightening than the moment that you expose your ideas to the world. Imagine if your favorite author never overcame the fear of rejection and therefore never published a story or your favorite artist burned every painting before anybody could see it in fear of the failing. Better yet, imagine the world without individuals like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Be brave enough to find your creativity in whatever sense it means to you.

You can watch Brené Brown's video here!